The journal that never ends...

Skeptic opening

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:20:15 GMT

I am not real. And as I am not real, neither is what I write. If what I write is not real, then it must be fiction. Fiction is usually not taken seriously. Therefore, this must not be serious.

Thirty-six days have I been single. Thirty-six lonely nights. Thirty-six days spent wondering what is next. Thirty-six days without answers. Answers to questions that only bring new questions even when something close to an answer is found. My dog looks at me adoringly, but I know deep inside he feels something close to what I feel. I know he can tell that I am no longer who I was, and I know he is somewhat lonely, too. He and I spend time together both wondering what is next in life. He and I both stare at spaces once occupied in our lives. I have become much closer with my mutt, but that is of little solace.

I'm writing this in the vain hopes that it will reach out to someone and paint a clearer picture. Pine makes sap. Both pine and sap are lame, gross, and annoying. It's no wonder I'm alone.

My mind paints such vivid pictures of the things that I no longer have. My memory is similar to that of a handicapped goldfish, and at the same time there are things that I can recall like they were yesterday for a normal person (as yesterday for me is as much a blur as weeks, months, or years). I shared in something beautiful. Something I hoped would last forever. But this was not to be. My dream of happiness was cut short. Very short. But at least I have what's left of my memory for now. Being close and being far. Being happy and being sad. Good time, bad times, and neutral times. I have been through so much. I gave it my all. Mind, body, soul. I tried. I failed. What else can I do? I am not enough and now I rely on something in which I have no influence. Leaving it up to fate. Fate and I have never seen eye to eye. We never got along. My hopes is that whatever will influence fate, which I have no idea what it might be, will favor me enough that the thing that stuck out in someone's mind will bring me answers...

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 13:57:13 GMT

I like the cold weather. If the weather were cold conistantly, it would be nice too. I like waking up, and wanting nothing more than to stay under my blanket and be warm. Mmmm... I like the chilling air against my face as I huddle in my jacket. By the way, it's almost terrorist-jacket season again. Whoo! no more need to wonder where to put anything! Ah, how I love the winter chill in the middle of autumn.

Life is shaping up, of course. Weather may play a factor in all things, and that means life is going good with nice weather. I hope it snows this year.

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 01:50:43 GMT

I think I've figured it out. Actually, I have figured it out, I just haven't got a grip on it quite yet.
I'm in a relationship with all of the baggage and a fraction of the benefit. I can't break myself from it. I'd rather not, to be honest, I'd just like it to not exist in limbo. Decisions must be made, and, as usual, they are not mine to make. I am only the reflex to others. I like a place, and I sit there, happy and goodness. But nothing good lasts, as is always plainly obvious. Yet when the chance arises to stay in a place where happiness once was, why should someone not try to stay happy? Why does a good place have to change? Why does change have to mean I have to adapt? Is it my fault that I react rather than act? I prefer to keep things when they are good. I'm used to reacting to things, and I act when they are not good. Why is it that the things that aren't good are the things I have no power to change?

I hate being ranty almost as much as I hate the need to be so. Forgive me people.

Darkness has prevailed after all

I am what I am because of what I know

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 02:13:05 GMT

And I know more than one should.

Your power is: Clairvoyance

Explanation: Your power is that you can
look into the future and see what is coming.
How far and long you can look is all depending
on your skill level. This can, as all powers,
be used in both evil and good. Even if it may
seem like a boring ability it is a huge
responsibility for the carrier, becase they are
constantly tempted with doing the wrongs deeds
(e.g. cheat on a test). It takes high morals to
not be brought down with it.

Therefor you fit with this power quite well.
You take responsibility and do what is the
right thing to do. This does not make you a
saint, since you're only human after all. But
it makes a trustworthy person and you are loyal
to camrades and/or team mates. In school you
were probably a good student. If you were
social varies from person to person, but most
clairvoyant people tend to prefer their own
company or that of close friends and family.
That is because you are wise and knows how to
treasure the reliable in your life, since you
know popularity can be a false element. You are
also not that big on taking risks and prefer
what is already explored. That is because you
don't like suprises, they can turn out bad and
then you won't be in control.
Negative aspects: Since you're always
doing the right thing and being trustworthy all
the time you can become frustrated. Also, all
that you carry on your shoulders may stress you
out. You need to relax to be in good mental
shape.

What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]
brought to you by Quizilla

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 02:57:27 GMT

There will be no Rifts Wednesday until further notice. My brain is working overtime and decided that it would be a good idea to crash. Until it reboots, I will be unavailable except to an incredibly select few. Thank you and have a nice day.

Addendum:
I have rebooted and we will be on schedule to play tonight. However, Brent, and therefore Brandon, will not be attending because he is a lameass church choir person thing. Drop me an Email if something else comes up. Thank you.

Resolve

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 04:22:12 GMT

Mad...
...Duck...
......Falls...
.........Down...

I hate people

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 03:33:05 GMT

and here's why:

My Personality


Neuroticism	76
Extraversion	11
Openness To Experience	90
Agreeableness	85
Conscientiousness	50

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

MySpace Surveys, MySpace Codes and MySpace Layouts by Pulseware Survey Software

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 20:07:47 GMT

Well, it's time for a blanket post so that people think I am still alive (for the most part).

On thursday, gyu, nyo, and I went to Atlanta for DRAGON*CON. We left early in the morning. It was a long drive, but nothing to worry about. With nyo driving, bobbing and weaving in and out of traffic, luckily, we only lost our other friends, who trailed behind us, once! Well, we got there. There's not a whole lot to say about it actually. John, Blue, and Nate spent the entire time playing D&D, gyu and I spent a lot of time wandering and seeing a few panels, nyo and I wandered a lot too. It sounds boring, but it was a lot of fun! I even played in a game run by nyo! It was... unique, to say the least.

All in all, I am doing fair. Nothing much new to report, I think. If there's any details you think I missed, or if you have any questions about other things in my life (not that that is much to ask about) please drop a comment :) leave message asking WTF?! ok? Cool. You guys rock!

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 23:37:35 GMT

Well, I tried. I lose every match in the game of life, what made me think this would be any different? It's over... claire will never think of me the same way again. The way she thinks of me now is a bitter, twisted idiot fool... she'll never get away from that... neither will I. One more loss in the game of life. Try again in 100 years, maybe you'll do better next life.

It's true what she thinks... but I never wanted her to know it... I'm so ashamed of what I am and what I have become... I hurt the only thing in my life that matters to the point that she can't stand me... I wish we lived near some cliffs right now, we'd both be better off.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 16:40:54 GMT

The time has come that I must make an honest attempt at a serious post about how my life is so people stop asking me :) (love you guys)

So, life goes. I go to school, and it's ok. I get up in the morning, that's fine. I get home, life droops. Night falls, when I used to be the most joyful, now I am sinking faster. Eventually sleep follows after several hours of sinking, and I wake up again! Repeat until I throw up.

Life is ok, for the most part. I seem to get really sad in the afternoon, a little better for a bit in the evening, then back down, lower than in the afternoon, as the night persists. It's life.

More intricate details about my inner thoughts are available upon request. So don't skimp on the request if you want to know dammit!

love you guys :)

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 03:48:03 GMT

I stole this, because I don't want my feelings and thoughts made public. Life is rough to the tender hearted, ce la vie.

1. Do we know each other outside of LiveJournal?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Now, as I lay here tonight

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 06:35:22 GMT

And I
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And as I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What, what a beautiful sight

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere
I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
Well I'm so, I'm tired

I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 02:48:58 GMT

"You've got to look on
The bright side of life"

For the first time in days, I can actually say that on the scale of evil/good or bad/good I feel above 0! (Below meaning bad). It's not a high above 0 but it is positive nonetheless (Is that one word?).
Anyway, I thought I'd tell people that my cryptic messages in the last week should be over with (here's hopin') and I should be a more friendly person!

Yea! Drop me a line if you want to do something, I have free time (no job, any help on that would be awesome too)

Maybe the buddhists were right...

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 03:46:28 GMT

Once, I knew they were, but dared to deny the fact. Life isn't worth living if not for the joys in it. Life is made only bareable by the things that give joy that we know will only cause pain in the end.
I hate the premise of buddhism, and yet no one can deny the obvious fact that they, themselves, are not wrong. The greater the joy we experience, the deeper the pain we suffer.

A line from my past rings only too true on this night:
"Alas, all good things must come to an end."

Long time no post, eh?

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 15:44:32 GMT

Well, just letting people know that I'm alive. School starts, uh... in a few weeks, I guess. Just wanting people to say hey, needing a friend or something right now, but it's all good, I don't hold on to things very well, but this might be one of those things. No questions, just a friendly hey will do. Thanks :)

"Standing here
The old man said to me,
'Long before these crowded streets
Here stood my dreaming tree.'
Below it he would sit
For hours at a time
Now progress takes away
What forever took to find
And now he's falling hard
He feels the falling dark
How he longs to be
Beneath his dreaming tree

...A moment froze in time
When the girl who first he kissed
Promised him she'd be his" --Dave Mathews

Yes, I still exist

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 21:06:11 GMT

...but not really

After you die...
Heaven

After death, you will exist in heaven. Everything and everyone you love will constantly surround you for all of eternity. You lucky scoundrel.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

eventually, I shall post something... real. Oh well, not today

No use for updates

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:01:24 GMT

Just because everyone only sees me these days posting on other people does not make me not have my own life.

Ok, I don't, but that is hardly the point! My sad, pitiful life is taken up by self enjoyment that I have missed out on over the past 4 years. *sigh* I missed Rifting so!

exams coming up, english about to start. Life is good.

blame gyu

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 17:04:43 GMT

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.5
Mind:	6.9
Body:	4.3
Spirit:	7.9
Friends/Family:	5.6
Love:	7.7
Finance:	3.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

huh?

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 16:59:26 GMT

Nothing really to update on. The year drags by, stuff is going... and, apparently lj has made a modification which makes is harder for me to post nothing all the time. DAMN them!

later

Because nothing in my life these days is worth posting...

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 18:14:07 GMT

Your power is: Clairvoyance

What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]
brought to you by Quizilla

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 16:04:02 GMT

I am only posting to move that woody allen picture...

Nothing to report in life. Good bye, write messages, tell me thingies, I tell you thingies.

WHEE!

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 17:55:44 GMT

I get to post! It makes I so happy! If only I have something to write! I needs something to write, so tell I what I shall write, ok?

blame chris...

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 16:33:22 GMT

Woody Allen
Your film will be 70% romantic, 37% comedy, 34% complex plot, and a $ 29 million budget.

Be prepared to have your life story shot entirely in New York City -- though lately Woody's been loving shooting in London. Also, your music soundtrack is all jazz from before 1949. Filmography: Annie Hall, Manhattan, Stardust Memories, Everyone Says I Love You, etc. Woody has released one film per year consistently for the past 35 years. For the past 15 years he's been trying to make films like his older, funnier ones, just like characters in his Stardust Memories film suggest throughout. Regardless of his personal life, his films are American classics.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on action-romance

You scored higher than 46% on humor

You scored higher than 43% on complexity

You scored higher than 34% on budget

Link: The Director Who Films Your Life Test written by bingomosquito on OkCupid Free Online Dating

week2 I spose

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 17:01:17 GMT

Well, so begins the next week since *sniff* everyone left and school began. *sigh* Not a whole lot new.
I need to take an online math test, do an english paper, and talk to advisor people to try and get me out of my 9 o'clock class... Good luck to me :)

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 16:05:38 GMT

Well, it's wednesday, and I feel, as I am once again in the english class, that I should let everyone (who cares) know how I'm doing:
Class is fine, math is boring, but not so boring because I haven't brought my claculator in yet. Kinda oops, but c'mon! we're learning percentages! GWAH! So, it's ok. Only 50 mins long (like all my classes for some reason) so it's ok.
Other classes are fine. B-law is nice, but whatever!

oops! he's teaching! bye! later! PEACE